


Save Me (From My Self Destruction)

by cyanidepurified



Series: Save Me [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance, frnkiero andthe cellabration, frnkiero andthe patience
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Bottom Gerard Way, Depression, Eating Disorders, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Frerard, Friendship, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Oral Sex, Parachutes, Religion, Secret love, Self-Harm, Sexuality, Smut, Suicide, Switch!Gerard, Top Frank Iero, switch!Frank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 14:20:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9824294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyanidepurified/pseuds/cyanidepurified
Summary: Frank and Gerard are best friends, both are unaware that they're in love with each other. When Frank discovers Gerard's secret, will he be able to save his best friend?





	1. Save Me

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: self harm, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt. 
> 
> So, nearly 4 years ago I wrote Save Me, and it got loads of amazing feedback! Lately, I've been working on this re-write, as I seem to have found my inspiration for writing again! I wanted to add a bit more story, to try and develop my writing. I would really appreciate any feedback on this! If this works well then I'll continue to write more parts :) Thank you so much!
> 
> Title comes from Shinedown - Save Me and My Chemical Romance - Boy Division.
> 
> Save Me has a sequal! In Sickness and In Health - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10503384

Save Me 

“Someone save me if you will, and take away all these pills.” - Shinedown. 

Gerard’s POV. 

I was awoken by the sudden light of day, streaming through my window, and I was quickly brought back to the harsh reality of life. I felt my stomach ache, I sighed slightly as I buried my head back into my pillow in a desperate attempt to try and go back to sleep, but it was no use. Eventually I got up and went through the paces of getting ready. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve done this, and It’s starting to get fucking boring. My favourite Iron Maiden shirt and my faithful skinny jeans had started to hang from my bones, like cobwebs from branches in the winter. Fragile, and delicate. I feel so exhausted, all the goddamn time. I’m so fucking tired. 

I made my way downstairs to be greeted by the smell of freshly brewed coffee and I faked a smile when I greeted my mum, who was preparing something for dinner. We made small talk as we ate breakfast, like every morning. Of course, I picked at mine, nibbling on the corners of my toast but drinking enough coffee to last most people all day. Mum is starting to notice how little I eat, but I just told her “I’m not hungry, I’ll eat at school” blah blah blah…

I hugged and kissed her as I head out the door. I put my hood up, music on, and set off for school. It was only a 20-minute walk, but every day I could feel my body getting weaker, and it started getting more difficult to make it to school in one go. I started feeling like I needed to stop, sit down, but I was determined to keep going. It’ll all be fine in the long run…right? 

After what felt like forever, I finally make it to the school gates, and of course, my best friend, Frank, is there to greet me. He seems engrossed in his phone, and hasn’t even noticed that I'm stood next to him. I hugged him when he did realise, and it was nice to have some human contact. I always look forward to seeing him. Frank’s my best friend. Has been for as long as I can remember, we’ve been through everything together. I looked after him and supported him when his parent’s separated, I nursed him through his first heartbreak, hangover and everything else. We were like soulmates, I guess. I probably shouldn’t put it like that, because I guess people would get the wrong impression. I love him, yeah, but he doesn’t love me. I think he knows that I love him more than a friend, but I’m too fuckin’ scared to say anything. I know he wouldn’t feel the same about me, anyway, he’s always hanging around with girls, flirting, getting their phone number…he’s a typical ‘teenage heart-throb’. 

I’ve never really talked about my sexuality. I mean, I don’t even know what I am myself? I love Frank, I feel like he’s the best thing in my life right now, and I feel like he’s the only thing that’s kept me going all these years, and when I’ve seen him changing in the past I’ve had to stop myself from staring…I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable but, fuck, he’s gorgeous…  
Does that mean I’m gay? I’ve never even had a relationship before, with anyone, so how do I know I don’t like women too? 

It’s not something I can really discuss with anyone though. My family are religious, they wouldn’t even entertain the idea of me being anything but the perfect grade a straight boy. I confided in my brother, mikey, a few years ago, opening and telling him about the way I felt. He told me it couldn’t happen, mum and dad wouldn’t allow it. I’ve always feared telling frank. I mean, I don’t think he would, but there’s always that little voice in the back of my head that says ‘he’ll hate you, he won’t want anything to do with you,’ y’know? And I’m not willing to do anything to ruin the friendship that we have…if that means living a lie, then so be it. Can’t be that bad, surely? 

Frank and I had most of our lessons together, which was great, because it meant that I had something there to keep me distracted from the thoughts spinning around in my head. Frank was my calm, he made me feel at peace, and maybe a weird sense of happiness.  
“Gerard!” I jumped. I looked to Frank and he was staring at me.  
“What?” I mumbled, barely audible.  
“Can I crash at yours tonight? My mum has her book club over tonight, all they do is drink wine and talk about sex. It’s freaky.” He cringed, and I don’t blame him…sex is something you never want to hear your parents talking about.  
“Yeah, sure…my mums out tonight anyway, she has this big business meeting in the city so she’s staying with her sister.”  
“sweet. I’ll be over about 6?”  
So…Frank’s staying at my house. Which is great, I enjoy his company, but it means I’ll have to eat. I’ve already eaten enough today.

We stood outside frank’s house, smoking, and I noticed myself starting to shiver in the cold. I mean, we’re in New Jersey, what the fuck is sun?  
“Dude, you’re getting too fuckin’ skinny. Look how much you’re shaking!” Frank exclaimed, and he laughed slightly as he looked at me. I know, I’m fucking disgusting. How can he not see how fat I am? I shrugged off his comment and quickly finished my cigarette. 

“so, I’ll see you later?” I suggested, and he nodded as he head back into his house and I made my way to my own, which was only a few streets down. 

I walked into silence, and it was heavenly. My whole life felt like chaos, constant noise and disruption, and it was nice to have a bit of peace and quiet. I had a couple of hours to spare so I head to shower. As I undressed, I couldn’t help but see myself in the mirror. Jesus Christ, I’m a fucking mess. Pale pink scars littered down my arms, and on my stomach, show my feeble attempts at expressing the shit in my head. There were a few more recent marks on my shoulders, but I’ve got to the point where even shredding the shit out of myself doesn’t make me feel any better. 

I sighed as I saw my ribs, protruding through my skin. My skin was staring to show as an almost grey shade, and my eyes formed dark circles beneath them. I really do look like shit. I showered as quickly as I could and head back into my room, rushing to dress so that I didn’t have to spend one more minute seeing myself. My clothes were all too big for me, but what’s the point in buying more when I’m not gonna be here much longer…hopefully. 

I made my way downstairs, and jumped when I saw frank, stood in the corner of the kitchen, and he looked pissed.  
“dude, what’s wrong? Your mum took your amp again?” I joked. Frank’s mum had a habit of taking away his music equipment when he didn’t get good grades or help with dinner, it was the only thing that really bothered him as it hindered his blossoming music passion.  
he didn’t say anything, he just stared at me. 

“seriously, what is it?” I was starting to get nervous now. He’s never usually like this so I knew something must be wrong. 

“why didn’t you tell me, Gerard?” he questioned, looking up at me with his arms folded as he rested back against the kitchen counter. 

shit, does he know how I feel about him? Is that why he’s so mad? Does he think I’m a freak?

“tell you what?” I was almost terrified to hear his response. 

frank shook his head, sighing slightly as he stood forward and started to walk towards me. 

“how long has it been since you ate something, Gerard?” he asked. That’s when I felt my heart drop, and my stomach churn, and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. 

“um…I ate at lunch…with you, don’t you remember?” I tried to figure out a story in my head, things I could say to defend myself, to make him believe that things are fine, I am fine. 

“do you think I’m stupid? I watched you fuck about with your food for 20 minutes before you threw it away. you need help, Gerard! I know I’m out of place but I came early, and I heard you upstairs so I came up to say hi…and fucking hell dude, you look ill…” his voice filtered off towards the end, I could tell he was starting to get emotional, and he just kept fucking staring at me with those chocolate eyes that I fucking adore.

“I-…I’m fine.” My voice started breaking. He’s figured it out. I don’t have a leg to stand on. 

“stop fucking lying! I’m sick of it. All you fucking do is lie to me and I hate it! Don’t you trust me?” he shouted, I could see the anger in his face and I had to try my best not to cry, I can’t show how weak I am in front of him, that will just make things worse. 

“what do you mean? I don’t lie to you…I wouldn’t do that.” My voice was shaking, fucking hell. 

“then why tell me that you ate at lunch? Can’t you see how painfully thin you are?” he was just staring at me, almost looking disgusted, and I wouldn’t blame him, I am disgusting, and I don’t deserve to have someone like him in my life. He’s so loyal, and genuine, and I’m just a fucking disgrace. I didn’t even know what to say, I fixed my eyes to the floor as I picked at the stitches of my battered hoodie. I heard him sigh, and I watched him as he walked back over to the living room and sit down. 

“Gerard…I know that you’re in love with me.” 

Shit. I stared at him with wide eyes, like a rabbit in front of an oncoming car. I felt paralyzed, stuck to my spot, terrified. 

“I see the way you look at me, the way your fuckin face lights up when you see me, the way that you watch me when I’m talking to Olivia…I know you hate it. Mikey told me a few years ago, and I didn’t believe him to start with…but I see it now.” 

I don’t even know what to say. What am I supposed to say to that? He knows everything…and he’s known for years! How the fuck is he not completely freaked out by this?  
“I’m sorry…I thought you’d hate me…I’m a freak.” I mumbled, staring down at the floor, I was too scared to move, but my legs were aching desperately and I really needed to sit down. 

Frank stood up again, and walked over to me, standing in front of me, but I refused to look at him. 

“Gerard, if I thought you were a freak…I wouldn’t still need to be with you every day. I see the way you look at me…but you don’t see the way I look at you.” He spoke softly, his voice calm, and incredibly relaxing. 

I eventually gathered up the courage to look up at him, and when I did, was mesmerised by his gorgeous eyes, staring back at me. 

“what do you mean?” I questioned. This doesn’t make any sense. 

“have you ever wondered why I can never make a relationship work? Why I go through girls so quickly?” he asked, starting to smile a little, I watched the corner of his mouth curl up slightly. 

“I don’t know…never…really thought about it.” it’s true, I tried to ignore the fact that he had a new girlfriend nearly every week and clearly wasn’t interested in me. 

“because I’m not fucking straight, Gerard! Yeah, girls are great…but they’re not for me. I look at you…and I think you’re fucking beautiful.” His words clung to me like glue. What the fuck is he even saying? How can he find me beautiful? I just looked at him, unable to find words, not wanting to say something wrong and him get mad at me. 

“Gerard…” he whispered as he stepped forward and took my hand in his, all I could do was watch his hand tracing it’s way over my protruding veins, he brought his hand up to touch the side of my face, and that’s when I became aware of how cold I was. Shit, I’m really fucking cold. Slowly I brought my eyes up to meet his, and he was watching me, with a gentle smile. 

Four words. Four words was all it took to nearly floor me. I felt like sobbing, like screaming, like climbing on the roof and screaming from the bottom of my lungs. 

“I love you too.” At that point I realised I was crying, tears rolling down my face at a pace that I couldn’t control, and I was still just staring at him with a vacant expression. Before I could even try to think of something to say back, he stepped forward, holding my hand in his gentle hands, and I felt his lips against mine. 

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. What the fuck. This isn’t happening. This isn’t real. This is a dream. I’m dreaming. Wake up. WAKE UP. 

I didn’t wake up, this is really happening, and I’m kissing him back. I’m not even sure if I’m doing this properly, I’ve never kissed anyone before. Jesus fucking Christ he’s good at this, he tastes like coffee and cigarettes, I’m going fucking crazy. 

I managed to move, after what felt like forever, I moved my arms forward and rested them on his hips as I began to feel more comfortable, but I gasped slightly as I felt frank grip my waist and pushed me against the wall behind me. I tried to ignore the fact that this caused a lot of pain. His hands were in my hair, and he was becoming frantic.  
It seems he stopped abruptly, his lips left mine, his hands were still on my waist and he looked up at me, his eyes filled with passion, and he rested his head against my chest, breathing heavily. I wrapped my arms around him, stroking his silky hair and I lay my head against his. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that…” he panted, and I heard him laugh slightly. I smiled, running my fingers through his hair. I started to notice how much my back really hurt, and my legs ached, my head is spinning. I can’t believe that’s just happened, and it seemed so natural, and right, and fucking perfect. 

Frank wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight as his head rested on my chest. It started to feel like he was holding on, clinging on like his life depended on it.  
“are you okay?” I whispered, I watched him nod slightly, and he stepped back, turning around and going back into the kitchen. I watched as he made 2 cups of coffee. I stayed where I was, unsure of the situation. 

“i-…I’ve never done that before.” I mumbled. He had probably figured that out already. 

He laughed as he cradled his coffee.  
“I noticed, but don’t worry, I’ll teach you.”  
He smirked slightly and I raised my eyebrow. I started to walk over to him, and I took the coffee from the side before sitting up on the kitchen counter. I felt a sudden rush of fear taking over me. I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone. 

“I’m scared, frank…” I admitted. I need him to know that I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. I’m scared that I’ll push him away. I’m self-destructive, I’m a mess, why would someone so perfect want to be with someone like me? 

“what is there to fear?” frank asked. I sighed and stared at the floor, swinging my legs slightly as I took a mouthful of my coffee. 

“Frank, I’m a mess…I’m suicidal, I can’t eat, I barely sleep, I can barely make it a day without hurting myself…you don’t want to be with someone like me. You deserve so much better. I’m scared that you’ll leave, I’m scared that I’ll push you away…” tears started to well in my eyes, I’ve never expressed my problems out loud, I feel ashamed, and disgusting. I watched as Frank’s feet came closer to me, his hands wrapped around my face and he lifted my face to make eye contact with me. His face is so soft, so gentle, so beautiful. He shook his head slightly, his lips curled slightly into a smile. 

“I’ve stood by your side, through everything, for the last 9 years. Do you really think I’d leave now?” 

I shrugged. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll just get bored of me and leave. He chuckled, before he draped his arms over my shoulders and held me in a tight embrace. I let my eyes close as my head lay on his chest, I listened to the gentle thud-thud-thud of his heartbeat, I uncrossed my arms and wrapped them around his waist. I let out a gentle breath. I’ve found my happy place. 

“so…” I heard him speak gently above my head. “are you my boyfriend now?” he laughed, that infectious laugh that I love so dearly. I tightened my arms around his waist, and smiled to myself. 

“Yeah, I think I am.”


	2. Miss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard still keeps a diary. Of course, nobody else knows about it, but it is the only place he can confess his deepest thoughts and fears.   
> Gerard hasn't really written much in it lately, but he decides to make one more entry, for old times sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was originally written as part 3, but I decided to upload it as part 2, just to give a bit of an insight into Gerard's mind and how he feels about things. Also, a bit of a build up to the next chapter. 
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I'm really excited about how this is turning out, I really hope you guys like it too!
> 
> As always, any feedback is appreciated!
> 
> Title of this chapter and lyrics are taken from Miss Me, by Frnkiero and the Patience, from their latest album, Parachutes.

_I hope somebody misses me when I’m gone  
I hope somebody misses me when I’m gone   
I know it ain’t right to want someone to cry  
just hope you miss me when I’m gone  
just wish I knew which way I was going_

 

22.7.2001.

Dear Diary,   
It's been quite a while since I've written here...I guess I stopped seeing the point. But I think there's a point to this. Maybe. 

I know I never really made an impact on people’s lives, but I’m scared I’ll be forgotten. I’m an artist. I’m a son, brother, lover, burden.   
Well, I say I’m an artist…I love to paint, draw, create…but nothing good enough for museums, nothing good enough to really be noticed. I was never noticed. I’m just the weird kid, with religious parents and a nerd brother. 

I love my brother so much. We’re like chalk and cheese, but he gets me and I get him. He’s known for a long while that I was unsure about my sexuality and he never once judged me for it. I remember him once saying to me, "Fuck it, Gee. If you’re happy then nothing else matters."  
Although we are share a lot of differences, we share a lot of common interests too. We both love music, and comics. Every Saturday we go to Barns and Noble, sitting for hours scouring through recent comics, sharing our thoughts on their artwork, and plots. We would share tapes of new bands we had discovered, sharing each other’s music, sitting for hours with pizza and singing at the top of our lungs to Iron Maiden.   
I wish my parents understood me as easily as Mikey does. My parents obviously don’t give a shit about my happiness or mental stability. They only care about their own goddamn reputation.   
It’s always been a love-hate relationship with my parents. They always had me on a very tight leash, and I feel like they’ve tightened it so much that I can’t breathe anymore. I don’t wanna be here, I don’t wanna be there, I don’t wanna be anywhere. I’m fed up of being their son. Fed up of being a repressed fucking robot that they they think they can control to do what makes them happy. It’s not fair. They’re always so easy going where Mikey is concerned. He can do what he wants, be what he wants, fuck who he wants. But not me. Never me. 

_I know I’ve loved you all my life  
I swear I’ve loved you all along   
From the first time I laid eyes, until the day I die,  
I know I’ll love you until the end of time.   
If you cross my heart, I’ll hope to die. _

I honestly do adore Frank. The slim silver ring that wraps around his lip so graciously. His beautiful smile, his chestnut eyes that fill me with so many butterflies I can hardly function. The way he holds my hand, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. God, he’s fucking perfection. His infectious laugh that I swear makes me fall in love with him even more, if that’s possible. 

I can’t remember a time where I haven’t been in love with him. He’s so fucking addictive. 

I hate that I’ll let him down, and I know I will, because that’s just what I do. But I tried my best to be good enough. I'll never be good enough for his love. 

We’ve only been together for 2 weeks but we’ve barely been apart. We went away for a weekend, we rented out a cheap hotel, went for dinner, went to the movies…it was amazing. Just to spend time with someone, feeling comfortable, feeling happy, I wished it would never end. Obviously, Frank picked up on me eating, or lack of, when we went to lunch, but he never pushed me, or shouted at me…he just tried to gently persuade me, and it worked. I stopped feeling fat around him. I stopped feeling self-conscious around him. 

I still struggle to give myself fully to him…when we were alone, he’d start kissing me…and I knew he wanted to take it further…but I just can’t. I’m terrified. I’d just say ‘I’m tired’, or some other pathetic excuse. It didn’t seem to bother him too much…but surely, he must be getting frustrated. He’s used to getting sex whenever he wants…everyone practically throws themselves at him. I’ve never had sex. 

I know, right? 16 years old and still a fucking virgin. It’s laughable, but I’ve never trusted anybody enough, and to be honest…never had the opportunity. I want my first time to be with Frank. I love him, and I trust him impeccably, but I’m just so scared that he’ll see me naked and be disgusted…I’m scared he’ll finally see me as I see myself. 

_It’s been this way all my life,  
I swear I’ve been a loser all my goddamned life.  
Some people, they get up after life has beat them down.  
Pretty sure I never made a sound  
Hell, I don’t think I ever got off the ground. _

I’ve gotten used to people ripping shreds out of me. Being battered in school toilets, left bloodied and bruised to eventually crawl to my feet and limp home, hiding my shame. I hate to admit that I’m damn near fucking terrified of going to school because I can’t stand the cracked ribs, black eyes and split lips. 

I somehow managed to hide it well, and I don’t think Frank has any idea of how bad it is. If he’d ask, I’d tell him I fell down the stairs, walked into a wall…I’m clumsy as fuck, so he always believed it. At least, I think he did…

I know he’d go crazy if he knew. I love that he would defend me, but I don’t want to burden him with my problems. I’m not worth the worry.   
I’ve stopped trying to fight back. I just let people do what they will now…there’s no point standing up for myself. I’ll be gone soon, and then they’ll all be happy that they succeeded. 

_I hope somebody notices I was here,_  
I hope somebody notices me while I’m here.   
I don’t want for much, I just wish I had your love.   
God, I hope you loved me being here.   
Hope to god you loved me being here. 

I hope Frank remembers me. I don’t want him to be sad, I don’t want him to cry over me or wish he’d taken my place. He deserves life, happiness, love, a future. I don’t have a future. I’m incapable of love, and happiness.   
I just don’t have the energy to go on anymore. I’m so tired, all the fucking time. 

As for my parents…I hope they blame themselves. I hope they feel guilty. I hope it fucking eats them alive. It’s their fault!   
I’ve found happiness in Frank, he warms my soul and makes me feel complete when I’m in his arms…but my parents just can’t accept it. It’s fucking bullshit. I hope they know that it’s their fault. 

Of course, I love them…they’re my parents. They raised me, loved me, and kept me safe…but I am so angry at them for being so fucking vile and prejudiced towards me. 

I guess, suicide just feels like the easier option. I can’t deal with sitting in fucking counsellor’s rooms, trying to explain the shit in my head. Trying to make it make sense to frank, who, although he tries, I don’t think will ever understand how I feel.   
I’ll just go. Just go one day, find somewhere quiet, and do whatever it takes to make everything stop. I don’t mind being in pain.   
I guess this could be my suicide letter.   
It’s cliché as fuck, I know…but maybe, if somebody see’s this, it will explain why I had to do what I did. Why I’ve given up. Sorry. 

XO  
G


	3. I'm A Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard's mother finds out about his relationship with Frank, and calls a local priest to try and 'fix' her son. Gerard is outraged that she would even think about such a thing, and decides to take matters into his own hands, finally acting on something that he has been planning for months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo here's part 3...again, there's trigger warnings. Please be careful. As always, any feedback is appreciated, feel free to comment :)

Gerard’s POV. 

 

I’m happy. I’m actually happy, for what feels like the first time in my whole life. I’m in a relationship, I’m in love, I’m fucking happy! I mean, it’s only been 2 weeks, so it’s still early days really, but these last 2 weeks have been so perfect. Frank and I were spending nearly all of our time together. We’d go to the movies, go to concerts and Frank would sneak us into bars and we’d just drink until we could barely walk. It doesn’t sound like everybody’s ideal relationship, but it was perfect. Every moment we spent together was amazing and I’m angry that I didn’t come out to him sooner. 

 

It was starting to get to that point though, y’know, where you should be moving things further…but every time Frank would try, I shut down. I’ll say that I don’t feel well, that I have plans.   
I can tell it’s starting to bother him. Beforehand, he’d be with someone different every other day…but now he doesn’t have that option, and I can tell it’s starting to…I don’t know, annoy him? Like, I get that he’s horny, because I am too…but I have no fucking clue what I’m doing! 

I’ve never been with anyone. Like yeah, I know what to do and where shit goes…but he’s been with so many people, and from what I’ve heard is fucking amazing, I can’t match that. 

What if he’s disappointed? What if he sees me naked and discovers how disgusting I am? 

He’s so open and confident with his body, walking around with his shirt off and his beautifully detailed tattoos displayed for the world to see…but I’m too scared to even see myself naked. How could anyone else want to? I’m a mess. 

I adore Frank’s tattoos. He only has a couple, which he’s not supposed to have in the first place since he’s only 16, but one of his ex’s is the daughter of a local tattoo artist, and Frank managed to persuade him to tattoo him, under the strict instruction that Frank told nobody who’d done them. 

He wore a jack-o-lantern style pumpkin on his back, with text reading ‘keep the faith’. He also had a tattoo around his waist, swallows on the front and guns on the back, reading ‘search and destroy’. I am fascinated by them, I find them so beautiful and intricate, but the idea of having a tattoo absolutely terrifies me. So, for now, I’ll simply sit back and admire. 

 

3:30. Schools over, I’m relieved, but sad at the same time because this means I won’t see Frank until tomorrow. Due to my parent’s bullshit views, they told me a few years ago that I 'shouldn't be spending so much time with that boy.' It angered me so much, they weren't even comfortable with me having male friends. I never told Frank about what they said, I just stopped inviting him over when I knew my parent's were home. Plus, I knew Mikey would say something if he did come over. Mikey knew straight away that something had happened between us, and I had no problem in telling him because I know that he's happy for me, he just doesn't understand the meaning of 'keep your fucking mouth shut.' 

 

I held Frank in my arms, trying my best to savour the last few minutes of each other’s company before we had to part ways. We were trying not to make anything obvious when we’re in school, simply because the kids we go to school with are dicks who would get a kick out of tormenting us if they ever really found out.

“I’ll call you later?” Frank mumbled softly when we eventually seperated. I nodded slightly, smiling and lighting up a cigarette. He calls me every night, and we’ll talk about pointless and stupid shit until we eventually fall asleep, often still on the phone. 

I hate leaving him, and I’d like to think that one day we can be open about our relationship. To not have to hide, would be bliss. 

As soon as I walked through the door, I knew something was wrong. My mum was sat at the kitchen table, tapping her perfectly filed nails against the wood. I shrugged off my bag and dropped it to the floor. 

“What’s up?” I questioned, heading to the coffee pot and pouring myself a mug. 

Her lips are pouted, she looks really pissed. I’m starting to get nervous.

“So…when were you going to tell me that you’re gay?” 

I froze. My heart dropped. All I could do was stare at her. My stomach in knots and I thought for a minute that I was going to be sick. 

“What…what do you mean?” I fucking suck at lying. I really can’t do this. 

“My friend saw you and your…boyfriend…in a club in town a few days ago, she rang me to congratulate me on having a gay son. She thought it was great that I was so relaxed about that sort of thing. But Gerard, you know that isn’t true.” 

Shit. I started to panic. I’d heard her and dad talking about church camps in the past, I can’t fucking go somewhere like that. There’s no such thing as ‘pray the gay away’. 

“He’s…just a friend, mum. You know I’ve been friends with him for years. We went to a bar. That’s it. Aren’t you angrier that I was drinking underage?” I tried to change the subject, deflect her anger from one thing to another, but it didn’t work. 

“She said you were all over him. Kissing him. Touching him. It’s fucking disgusting!” she cursed, and her words hurt. My happiness was disgusting to her. 

“No, it’s not! I’m happy! Frank makes me happy, why is that so disgusting to you?!” I could feel anger bubbling up inside of me. I couldn’t stand hearing my mum talk about me like I’m a dirty old pervert. 

She shook her head, looking down at the floor before standing up and walking over to me. 

“It is disgusting, Gerard, and I refuse to have a fucking faggot as a son!” 

I staggered back, shocked and taken aback. I can’t believe she’s just called me that. Such a vile, fucking hideous word, and she’s just used it against her own son. Her first born!

I knew that she wouldn’t be happy about this, but I never would have expected her to talk to me like this. God only knows what dad will say.

“I’m not even going to discuss this with you, Gerard. It’s not happening. It ends, now.” She demanded.

I shook my head, amazed that she was making these demands. Does she really think I’m just going to obey her demands like a trained seal?!

“I’m not fucking ending anything, mum! I’m happy! Frank makes me happy. He’s my fucking soulmate, you can’t make me do anything!”

I screamed back at her, really losing my temper, I can feel myself starting to shake as I get more and more angry. 

“Right.” She snapped, storming past me and grabbing her purse, rifling through and pulling out her address book. She flicks through the pages before she stops and starts typing on her phone. 

Is this the end of the argument? Surely, it can’t be. My mum is a lot of things, but I know she would never give up on an argument when she thinks she's in the right. 

“What are you doing?” I asked. Surely now isn’t time to update Facebook on what she’s had for fucking dinner? 

“I’m getting you help, Gerard. You’re sick, and this can’t go on.” 

“what the fuck?! I am not sick, I’m in love!”

She laughed, mockingly, before tossing her phone on the counter and pointing her hideous pink nails in my face. 

“I’m telling you now, boy. This stops, or you won’t be living under this roof. I will not have a fucking pervert as my son.” 

I was floored. I couldn’t possibly believe that she would see me like this. It’s fucking love, it’s natural! 

I shook my head at her, unable to find the words to really express how fucking devastated I was. I walked past her and up to my room. Crashing onto my bed, I buried my face in my pillow and let out a sob. I can’t believe this is happening. Me and Frank have barely started and we’re being forced apart. I slid my phone out of my pocket, scrolling through my contacts until I found his name, hitting call. It felt like I was listening to the ringing tone for years when he picked up. 

“Hi, baby.” He spoke softly. All I could do was sob as his voice filled my head like a sweet song. 

“Gerard? What’s wrong?” his voice changed as soon as he heard my desperate sobs. He was worried, and I wasn’t even sure what to say to him.

“She knows…my mum, she knows about us…” I choked, trying my best to stop my hysterical tears but it wasn’t really working.

“Shit…Is she mad?” Frank asked, his voice now quiet. 

“She called me a faggot…A pervert…She said I’m sick, that I need help.” 

I heard Frank let out a sigh on the other end. I wanted him here, to hold me and hush my sobs.

“I won’t let her split us up baby, don’t worry. Everything will work out,” he assured, I felt calmed by his words, his gentle voice soothing my anxiety and fears.   
After I had calmed down, we talked like we usually do, he told me about his band practice and his mum being on a new diet, which, along with all the others, was pointless. I ended the phone call laughing, feeling the same butterfly style feeling in my tummy that I always get when I’m around Frank. 

We said good night, I told him that I loved him, and within only about 10 minutes of hanging up, I was asleep. 

\-------

“Gerard! Wake up! There’s someone here to see you.” I jumped at the shrill rattle of my mother’s voice on the other side of my bedroom door. 

I groaned as I rolled out of bed. I really can’t be fucking bothered with this. I don’t want to hear anything she has to say. 

As I made my way downstairs, I could hear her talking in a hushed tone, and a male voice responding to her. God, I hope it’s not dad. 

As I got to the bottom of the stairs, I was stopped in my tracks when I saw the local church’s priest, talking to my mum over coffee.   
I shook my head. This is not fucking happening. “No, mum…you haven’t…” I whispered in dis-belief. She sighed as she set her coffee down on the table. 

“Gerard, Father Matthew is here to help you, he can make you better…” She spoke quietly, almost as if she didn’t believe her own words. She looked over to him, and that’s when he stepped forward, with a fake smile. 

“Gerard, your mother tells me you’re dealing with certain…afflictions…and I believe the church can h-“

“NO!” I screamed. I didn’t even mean to do it. It just happened. 

“Your bullshit religion can’t fucking cure me, because there’s nothing wrong with me! I’m not sick, I’m a human fucking being!” I was screaming so loud. I’m so fucking angry. I pushed past them both, storming out of the front door, slamming it behind me and walking down the street as fast as I can. 

I can hardly think. I can’t believe my own mother would want to do this to me! She’s ashamed of me. She’s disgusted. I’m disgusting. I stopped at a local off licence, buying cigarettes and a bottle of vodka. I sat outside for a few minutes, trying to gather my thoughts. Where the fuck do I go now? I can’t go to Frank’s because he’s at band practice, and heaven forbid anyone disturbed his precious fucking band practice. 

I got up and started to walk again. I don’t know where I’m going. Anywhere but home. 

After a good hour or so of walking, I found a cheap, dingey motel and didn’t even think twice before using the last of my money to rent a room for the night. 

The room was, as I said, dingey. Smoke stained wallpaper and god-knows what stained bed sheets. I sat at the edge of the bed, cracking open the vodka and taking a long gulp. It fucking burned, shit I hate vodka. Why the fuck did I buy this? 

I don’t even care. If it stops me fucking feeling. Fuck. I was so happy yesterday morning, in the arms of my lover, not a care in the world.  
Now I feel like I’m running from my own mother. I got about half way through the bottle before my head started to become fuzzy. I dizzily scrolled through my phone, and called Frank. Of course, it went straight through to voice mail. 

“Frank I…I’ve ran away. She called a fucking priest! To…to cure me or some shit…I had to go. I got vodka and now my head is like…really spinny. I found a motel somewhere near the bowling alley…it smells like balls…I love you, like I really fuckin’ love you a lot…” 

I ran out of something to say. They say drunk words speak sober minds…well I must be the most fucking boring person on this earth!

I staggered through to the bathroom, once my bladder kicked into action. I have to try not to think about the creepy shit that happens in motel rooms like this. Sordid affairs and drug deals are meant for these dark rooms. I opened the glass cabinet on the wall, and only one thing was inside. A pack of razorblades. Fuck. 

I haven’t cut in nearly a month now, and I know how proud Frank is at how well I’ve done…but…what if there isn’t a way out of this? What if my mother disowns me? What if I don’t have a home anymore? My dad…my dad will be so upset with me. He’ll be embarrassed to have a fucking faggot for a son. 

I slid them off the shelf, opening them and sliding out a single blade. I played with it in my fingers, staring as it reflected from the light. I called Frank again. Now the vodka is gone, and I’m seeing double. 

“I can’t do this. I can’t…I’m an embarrassment…and disappointment…Frank, I’m a mess…I’ll never get better. I’ll never be able to escape this. My mum doesn’t want me…I-…I feel lost. I don’t have a place in this world anymore.” 

I stopped, stumbling into the bath and laying down. I can’t even be bothered to undress. I guess it’ll save the humiliation of whoever finds me seeing me naked. 

“I love you so much Frank, you’re so amazing…but you need better than me…you-you need someone who can love you, and fuck you! Fuck you like you deserve! Because I…I am just a scared fucking virgin…you can do so much better Frank. I’m sorry I made things shit. I’m sorry I’m shit…but thank you…thank you for just loving me…I fucking adore you, Iero.” 

At that point his voicemail cut off, and I realised I had gone on a slight rampage. I switched my phone off, throwing it to the floor. I guess I won’t be needing that anymore. 

I lay back, staring up at the ceiling. I really thought things were going to get better…I thought things would be okay. 

Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. I don’t fucking deserve happiness, and I certainly don’t deserve Frank Iero. 

I’ve spent most my life being bullied, tormented, miserable. I swear I’ve been a loser all my goddamn life. Some people, they get up after life has beat them down, pretty sure I never made a sound. Hell, I don’t think I ever got off the ground. 

I sat up, my head spinning and I struggled to keep my balance. My arms carried small, pink scars from my pathetic attempts at self-harm in the past…but this isn’t going to be pathetic. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t fucking deserve to be alive. I just want to fucking die. 

I took a deep breath, holding my arm out and digging the corner of the blade into my wrist, before I slowly dragged it down the length of my arm. The slow, searing pain felt like it was spreading through my entire body. It burned, but I felt a familiar rush of ecstasy as I watched blood pour from the gaping wound. 

I didn’t waste any time before doing the same to the other arm. 

Blood was slowly covering me, and the pain was nearly unbearable. I felt like I was holding my arms over fire, and I could feel myself becoming weaker as I bled out over myself. 

I let my head fall back, the blood was beginning to soak through my clothes as I felt my skin become warm, and damp. I can’t fucking breathe. It’s like all the oxygen has been sucked out of this room, my vision is fucking spiraling. 

Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. 

Is that my heart beat? Why is it so fast? Shouldn’t it be going slower? What the fuck is happening? 

I heard a faint crash, and voices. 

Shit, is this heaven? Am I dead? Is this it? Everything’s dark. I can still feel the pain in my arms, but it’s dulled, it seems to be easing off a little…am I dying? Am I already dead? I can’t fucking see. I can’t move. I must be dead. I hope I am. 

“Gerard! Fuck…no!”


	4. Where Do I Belong? Anywhere But Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to fall into place in Frank and Gerard's relationship. Will they get their happy ever after?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 4! Hope you guys enjoy. Feel free to comment below :)

Gerard knew that he had made a mistake the second he heard the blood curdling screaming beside him, just before he blacked out.  
The agonising howl of his lover calling his name in despair upon finding his better half, covered in blood, dying.  
It sends a huge wave of guilt through Gerard’s whole body. At that moment in time, which felt like hours but was probably only a couple of seconds, Gerard wanted to take it all back. He wanted to somehow turn back time and undo everything he had done. He never thought that Frank would be, sound, so broken. 

Gerard had spent years upon years, hiding himself in his room, crying silently to himself as he cut straight lines across his stomach. He hated it, but he felt like it was the only form of outlet he had. He had, over time, convinced himself that he was worthless, and would not be missed. But Frank's voice, the despair and devastation in his scream as he dropped to his knees and sobbed, told a completely different story. 

The scene was devastating. Frank had grabbed Gerard by his shoulders, pulling his dead weight out of the bath and on top of him. Frank’s not exactly a strong kid, he was always being teased in PE classes for having barely any strength, but he somehow summoned super human strength to pull his lover from the bath tub. Gerard was laid on the floor, in what must have been an uncomfortable position. Frank was cradling his head, which was perched on Frank’s knees, and Frank sobbed as he held his better half in his arms. Blood was all over him, but he didn’t care, he could feel his own heart breaking as he ran his fingers through Gerard’s hair. He struggled to pull his phone from his pocket and frantically dialled 911. 

“Emergency services, which service do you require?” 

“Ambulance.” Frank spoke, his voice was shaking, he was shaking all over. He looked down at Gerard, all the colour had drained from his skin and the blood had slowed, Frank knew that he didn’t have long left, and a wave of fear swept through him when he thought that he might have acted too late. 

“Good afternoon, you’re through to the ambulance service. Tell me exactly what’s happened.” Another female voice spoke. 

Frank could hardly collect his thoughts, he felt blood staining his clothes and that made him feel even more panicked. 

“My uh, my boyfriend…I’ve just found him…he’s tried to kill himself.” Frank stopped to take a breath, and try to talk in a way that made sense. “He’s bleeding everywhere…please, you’ve got to send someone, quick.” Frank pleaded, desperation evident in his voice. 

He could hear the lady on the phone typing quickly as he spoke. “Okay, you said he’s bleeding, can you tell me where he’s bleeding from?” 

“His arms, he’s cut his arms really bad.” Frank felt himself going into auto-pilot. He knew that he had to give as much information as possible in order for them to help, so he had to collect his thoughts. 

“Please…please hurry…I can’t lose him…” Frank whispered, he still had his hands in Gerard’s hair and it he felt a sense of dread at the thought that he might never touch Gerard’s hair again.

“What is the address please?”

“I-I don’t know what it’s called. We’re at a motel, near the bowling alley in Belleville, just off the highway.” Frank mentally cursed himself for not paying attention to where he was going. 

“Okay sir, what room number are you in?”

“14.” Frank spoke clearly, happy that he had at least remembered something.

“And what is the patients name?”

“Gerard.” Frank almost smiled at the sound of his name. 

“Okay sir, I have help on its way. I just need you to unlock the door and remove any obstructions from the door. While you’re waiting, if you have access to towels or something similar, please wrap it around Gerard’s arms to try and stop the bleeding. Keep his head elevated, and make him as comfortable as you can. Please do not change his position as it could make any unknown injuries worse. If the condition worsens before help arrives please call us back on 911 and we will assist you as much as we can.” She spoke so calmly, Frank wondered how she’d managed to stay so calm. He thought about all the calls she must receive in a day, how she stayed calm baffled Frank. 

“Okay…thank you so much.” Frank said, he made a point of thanking her, she probably doesn’t hear it enough. 

Frank hung up the phone, and tightened his grip of Gerard. He started to rock slightly, whispering to him, begging him to not leave him, telling him that he loves him as tears rolled down his cheeks. 

Within minutes, he heard footsteps coming closer to the door, and he turned to see paramedics in the door, carrying huge bags of medical equipment.  
The male paramedic leant down beside Gerard, and asked his name, Frank told him as he sat back slightly, in a state of shock. 

The paramedic talked to Gerard, asking him if he could hear him, which obviously, he couldn’t. They examined the damage on Gerard’s arms, which was pretty bad. Frank could do nothing but sit and stare as they loaded Gerard onto a stretcher and wheeled him out and into the back of an ambulance. Frank got into the back of the ambulance with him. He leaned over in his seat, resting his hand on top of Gerard’s, as he lay lifeless, strapped down to the stretcher. 

“Don’t you fucking die on me, Way.” 

\--------

Gerard began to regain his consciousness, he could hear beeping all around him, and the quiet hum of people talking. He didn’t know where he was, but he knew that is must be busy. He focused next on trying to open his eyes, his eyelids were heavy and his head was spinning. He finally managed to open his eyes, albeit slowly, and took a deep breath in as he looked around. There were blue curtains around him, and he looked up to see bags containing clear liquid, flowing down through a small tube that was injected into his hand. He shuddered, he fucking hates needles. 

He heard a faint noise, a snore, and he looked to his side, smiling slightly when he saw Frank asleep in the chair beside him. He looked uncomfortable, the position he was sleeping in can’t have been doing his back any favours. Gerard tried to move his arm, but was instead greeted with an overwhelming burning sensation which took over his whole body. Only then did he remember what had happened. 

“F-F…” he tried to speak, but his mouth was as dry as a sandpit and his voice failed him. He gulped, sighing slightly when he realised he had virtually no way of communicating. He took in a deep breath, and coughed as loud as he could, and that seemed to have done the trick when Frank jumped to life, waking from his slumber with a start. 

“Gerard! You’re awake!” he exclaimed, excitement in his voice as he leaned forward and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Gerard nodded, feeling unable to talk. 

“Do you want me to get a nurse? Do you need anything?” Frank asked.

“W-Water…” Gerard barely managed to croak, his voice sounding dry and it hurt his throat to speak. Frank jumped up and walked over to the other side of the cubicle, pouring a small glass of water, leaning over Gerard slightly and pouring it into his mouth as Gerard couldn’t gather the energy to move his swollen arms. 

Gerard pondered on the thought that water is the best fucking thing in the world. It’s never tasted so fucking good in his life. He sighed slightly as he looked back up to the ceiling. He felt ashamed at himself for that he’d done, for the hurt he’d caused, and the unbelievable fucking mess he’d left in that shitty motel room. 

Frank sat back down, nearly on the edge of his seat, as he watched Gerard. 

“H-How long have I been here?” That was the main thing Gerard wanted to know. He couldn’t remember much about what had happened. He knew what he’d done, but everything after the vodka was a blur, so he was curious to know the events that followed. 

“Three days.” Frank spoke quickly. He almost sounded angry, and Gerard prayed that he wasn’t mad at him. 

Gerard nodded as he looked back down, at his bandaged arms and needle attached to his hand. 

“I’m sorry…” he mumbled. He felt so ashamed of himself, and so guilty for doing this to Frank. Frank shook his head slightly, before grabbing his chair and dragging it across the floor so he was closer to Gerard. The chair made a god-awful noise against the floor and it made Gerard cringe.  
Frank took Gerard’s hand in his, holding it tightly as he ran his finger in circles over Gerard’s skin. 

“Don’t be sorry…I just…wish you’d talked to me. I was so scared that I was going to lose you…I pictured my future without you and let me tell you, I don’t fucking want it. I need you in my life…I can’t lose you, Gerard.” Frank spoke softly, the angst in his voice was gone and he just sounded so soft and loving. 

Gerard couldn’t think of an excuse for what he’d done. There wasn’t one, he acted impulsively and he wish he’d talked to Frank instead of doing this. 

“I-I wish I had never done anything…I’m such a fucking idiot.” Gerard confessed, squeezing Frank’s hand slightly, although he had very little feeling in his hands due to how tight his bandages were. 

Frank laughed slightly, resting his head on the bed gently and letting out a slow breath. 

“Well…I can’t argue with that.” 

\--------

“So, I have good news.” Frank beamed as he came back into Gerard’s room, carefully juggling his phone and two coffees. Gerard had been in hospital for a week now, and they were reluctant to discharge him until he saw a therapist, and be assessed on how safe he was to be discharged. He insisted that he was fine, that he wouldn’t do something so careless again, and Frank backed him up, promising to keep him on the straight and narrow and support him if he need it.

“What’s that, baby?” Gerard was curious to know what had caused the huge grin on Frank’s face whilst he’d only gone down the hall for coffee. Gerard was sat up, cross legged on his bed. He felt a lot better since he could wear his own clothes. Frank gave Gerard his coffee, before sitting in front of him on the bed, also cross legged. Frank took a sip of his own coffee before wincing slightly because he always forgets that hospital coffee bares a shocking resemblance to molten fucking lava.  
“I just had a phone call from my uncle Joseph,” Frank stated, taking the lid from his coffee in the hope that it will help it cool to a more drinkable temperature. 

Gerard raised an eyebrow, this information meant nothing to him whatsoever. 

“He has an apartment in town, it’s only one bedroom and it’s pretty small, but he says if I want it I can rent it half the price. He said nobody is interested in buying it, and since I’m family he won’t charge me full rent for it. Should be ready to move in on Monday.” 

Frank looked so happy. He had been trying all week to find somewhere for him and Gerard to live since Gerard was adamant that he wasn’t going home after that his mother had done. However, trying to find somewhere affordable and local for two teenagers who had next to no income was damn near impossible. 

Gerard’s face lit up at this news, and he reached forward to take Frank into a tight embrace. He didn’t care if it was small, just as long as he didn’t have to go home. He would miss being around Mikey, but he refused to even give his mother time of day after the way she treated him.  
He held Frank in his arms and smiled to himself as he inhaled his scent, burying his head in Frank’s shoulder.  
Frank smiled also, it had been a long time since he had seen Gerard smile and he realised then how much he had missed it. 

Things hadn’t been the easiest whilst Gerard was in hospital. Gerard’s parents had visited, and promptly kicked Frank out of the room once they arrived, stating that Frank had no right to be there. 

Frank didn’t object, but was hurt, he’d basically grown up with Donna as his second mother, and it hurt him to think that she could somehow hate him so easily over something so petty. Donna took him in, cooked him meals, and looked after him when he was struggling with his parents’ separation.

Frank waiting outside, busying himself on his phone, scrolling through Twitter or Facebook. After only ten minutes, Gerard’s parents hurried out, slamming the door and not even acknowledging Frank’s existence before hurrying down the hall and away from the ward. 

Frank got back up, knocking on the door quietly before opening it. He knew he didn’t have to knock, but he still liked to, just to let Gerard know that he was coming in. Frank stepped in slowly, and was greeted with a sight that broke his heart. Gerard was sat on his bed, with his knees up to his chest, head on his knees, arms wrapped around them as he shook. Frank knew he was crying. He wasted no time in going over, sitting next to Gerard and wrapping his arms around him. Gerard leant against Frank, crying quietly into his shirt. Frank didn’t ask what had been said, he didn’t want Gerard to go through it all as it had clearly upset him. 

“They don’t want me, Frank. They told me…they said they never want to see me again.” Gerard spoke quietly, his hands gripping onto Frank’s shirt as tears fell from his face. Frank sighed, shaking his head. He couldn’t believe that they could be so heartless about their eldest son. 

Frank shifted his weight slightly, and held onto Gerard as he laid down. Gerard’s head rested on Frank’s chest, and Frank looked up at the ceiling as he ran his fingers through Gerard’s hair. 

Frank didn’t know what to say. What can you say? There was nothing he could say to try and make this situation any easier. Gerard had just been disowned by his parent’s over something that was out of his control. He couldn’t help who he is, but they refuse to understand that. 

Frank began daydreaming, thinking about himself and his lover in their new apartment. It was small, yes, but it would be theirs. It would be theirs to grow, and he couldn’t wait for his relationship to reach the next step. 

He wasn’t going to push Gerard into sex. Frank knows how Gerard struggles with his self-image, and he knows that when the time is right, it will happen. It was a little bit of a drastic change though, to go from getting laid whenever he wanted to lying in wait for Gerard to be ready, but Frank wasn’t complaining. He had found a happiness in Gerard that he had never found in anyone he had been with, and he felt that this was worth waiting for, no matter how long. 

He knew that Gerard would be scared when the time came, Frank couldn’t help but find it kinda cute that Gerard was so innocent where sex was concerned. For Frank, it was never significant. Most people see sex as an act of love but for him, it ended up just being a way to pass the time, and he knew that was wrong. Frank felt so happy at the fact that he is now with someone who, when the time is right, he will make love to. Not just fuck, he will make love to Gerard. 

Frank hadn’t been to school in over a week, and had no intentions of going back, he knew Gerard wouldn’t go back either. The whole school had learnt of his suicide attempt and Frank knew that Gerard wouldn’t want to face the music that would greet him at the gates if he returned. 

 

Frank looked down at Gerard, and smiled to himself when he realised that Gerard had fallen asleep. His face was still damp from his tears, and his arm was draped over Frank’s stomach. Frank reached behind Gerard carefully, taking the blanket and pulling it over them both, he kicked off his shoes and got himself as comfortable as he could, holding Gerard as close as he could, making sure that he was safe and happy. Frank rested his head against Gerard’s, smiling slightly as he fell asleep, holding Gerard close to him.


	5. I'm Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank and Gerard have moved into their own apartment, and even though it's not a palace, it's theirs. Gerard still struggles at times to overcome his demons, but he knows that with Frank by his side, he can do anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the final part! I really hope you guys have liked it. I am really proud of this. If you enjoyed this...keep an eye out for my next series, it will be here soon.
> 
> I also wanna say a massive thank you to mother_panic and wescottwomen for their help with this chapter. I honestly wouldn't have been able to write it if they hadn't have helped. If you guys haven't read their stuff, you should, it's fuckin incredible.

Gerard stirred slightly as he began to wake up. His face was buried deep in the crook of Frank’ neck, and he smiled to himself as he inhaled his lover's scent. Gerard doesn’t know what time it is, and he doesn’t care, if his heart were to suddenly stop beating, he would die happy.

He moulded his body closer to Frank’s, all he wanted to do was savour this moment for as long as he possibly could, this right here is his happy place.

Things are finally starting to look up. Frank and Gerard have been living in their apartment for a month now. Frank had stopped going to school completely and was working part time in a music store, which is great. Music is Frank’s passion, and he loved that he enjoys his job, whereas most people hate theirs and can’t wait to leave, sometimes Frank had to be forced out the door.

Their apartment was still a work in progress. Frank’s uncle still had to come by after they moved in to sort the plumbing, because the idea of not being able to have a hot shower was Gerard’s idea of living hell. They lived above a shop, so sometimes they’d get some noise coming from downstairs, but in the grand scheme of things it didn’t matter, because Frank and Gerard had each other and that is all that matters.

They had decorated their home with band posters and comic style art work, pretty much all their stuff was second hand. Their sofa, TV, crockery, everything. Everything apart from their bed. Gerard drew the line at buying a second-hand bed. The idea alone freaked him out.

Gerard was almost certain that this was his favourite place in the whole world. Laid in bed, in the arms of his soulmate, unable to imagine a time where he had ever been this content.

Gerard still struggled sometimes. He required stitches in his arms and several sessions with the hospital Councillor before they would consider discharging him, he hated it. He hated people saying that he was a risk to himself, or to others. He never wished to hurt anyone other than himself.

It only really bothered him when he was home alone. Sometimes the old urges would creep in, and he’d find himself sub-consciously scratching at his skin until his fingers were raw.  
Frank made a point of reminding Gerard to eat. Which, although a little patronising, worked well, because Gerard genuinely forgot to eat sometimes. 

He hadn’t quite reached the point of devouring a 3-course meal without blinking, but he was at least eating three meals a day. Which was a hell of a lot better than three meals a week, if that.

Frank worked most days, leaving early and coming home around 6pm. He was usually exhausted, but Gerard always made sure he had coffee and a meal waiting. Gerard was never especially skilled when it came to an oven, but he ventured down to the local book-store when Frank was at work and grabbed as many vegetarian cook books as he possibly could. He liked to know that Frank would have a decent meal waiting for him when he came home from a long day’s work.

 

As predicted, Gerard had no contact from his parents. Nothing. And next to nothing from Mikey. Gerard knew that Mikey wasn’t doing that on purpose, but obviously, it was difficult for him to contact Gerard as his parents were watching him like a hawk.

Gerard missed his baby brother, but he understood that Mikey was stuck in a difficult situation. Gerard hoped that things would get better in time and he would be able to spend time with his brother without the fear of Mikey being scolded by his mother.

Today is a very rare day. Today is a day that neither Frank nor Gerard can appreciate very often. Frank is off work, and enjoying his well-deserved lay in. Gerard hummed softly to himself before finally dragging himself out of bed. He pulled on a clean t-shirt before making his way to the kitchen. He switched on the coffee pot and the radio, he usually hated whatever they play on the radio, but he detested silence more.

He took a deep breath in as the smell of freshly brewed coffee wrapped around him, the strong aroma filling his lungs and reminding him why he’s so hopelessly addicted to it. He leaned back against the counter, with his arms folded across his chest and his eyes closed. He’s still half asleep, and will remain in that state until he’s finished his coffee.

He yawned sleepily as he filled his first cup, cradling it closely to him and taking his first sip. Jesus, he always forgets how fucking amazing that first taste of coffee is in the morning.

His lustful coffee thoughts were interrupted when he heard Frank coming into the room. Gerard smiled slightly as he poured another cup, handing it to him.

“Morning, baby.” He spoke softly. Frank smiled slightly, rubbing his eyes hard to wake himself up.

“What time is it?”

“Just gone ten. Did I wake you?”

"No, the smell of coffee woke me. I could sleep through world war 3, but if I smell coffee I am wide awake!” Frank laughed, slowly drinking his. He let out a little sigh, before going over and pressing his forehead against Gerard’s chest. 

Frank put his coffee down and wrapping his arms tight around Gerard’s waist. He frowned slightly, he knew that something was bothering Frank. 

Gerard put his coffee on the counter and draped his arms around Frank, running his fingers through his bed hair.

“What’s wrong?”

“I-…” Frank sighed. He hated what he was about to say. “I was scared when I woke up. You weren’t there…”

Gerard felt his heart sink. He hated that Frank was in constant fear of losing him. He tried to hide it, but Gerard knew that every time he Frank came home he was terrified that Gerard would be dead. 

Gerard always made a point of being in the kitchen or lounge for when Frank came home, so he would see him almost immediately upon walking through the door.

Gerard figured that was a good idea, since last time he decided to shower whilst Frank was at work. he nearly took the door off its hinges when he came home and heard Gerard the bathroom, fearing that his boyfriend was attempting suicide again.

Gerard had promised Frank countless times that he would never do that again, but it was always in the back of Frank’s mind, and it always worried him.

“Frank, I’m sorry…I just wanted to get coffee. I didn’t want to wake you. I know how hard you work. You deserve to sleep in.” Gerard spoke softly, kissing Frank’s forehead lovingly as he traced his fingertips up and down Frank’s back gently.

Frank stepped back slightly, taking both of Gerard’s hands in his own. He looked up at Gerard with a smile, tilting his head slightly.

“What is it?” Gerard asked, chuckling slightly as he realized Frank’s expression had changed completely.

Frank stepped forward again, still holding Gerard’s hands as he reached up and began planting soft kisses along his jawline.

Gerard felt his whole body relax, and he let his head fall forward into Frank’s kisses. He placed his hands on Frank’s hips, as he began chewing on his bottom lip.

Frank moved his lips up towards Gerard’s ear, 

“Come back to bed.” He purred. It sent a shudder through Gerard’s whole body, and he let out a breathy chuckle as he nodded slightly. He reached his hands up to Frank’s face, holding his chin in his fingers and kissing him gently.

Gerard truly believed that Frank was made for him. Their lips fit together so perfectly, and Gerard let out a weak whimper as his body relaxed into it. Gerard had finally got to that point where he was comfortable with Frank. He wasn’t quite at the point where he was comfortable with himself, he still struggled to see himself naked sometimes, but he was comfortable enough to be naked with Frank and he felt so proud of himself for reaching that point.

The first time they’d had sex was a mixture of hilarious and intense. Things were a little clumsy, because Frank hadn’t been intimate with another man for a long time. Gerard didn’t mind, though, because even though it was clumsy and a little all over the place, it was still perfect. 

In Gerard’s eyes, anything and everything he does with Frank is perfect, whether it be watching movies or cleaning the apartment, everything is perfect if Frank is there.

Frank pressed his body against Gerard’s as he wrapped his arms around his waist, moaning into their kiss slightly. They were still well and truly in the honeymoon period and since the first time they’d had sex it was near enough non-stop. Sometimes they wouldn’t even bother to eat, they’d just stay in bed and fuck until they were completely exhausted and passed out.

Frank moves his hand down, gripping Gerard’s thighs, evoking a gasp from him as he was lifted to sit on the counter. Gerard wraps his legs around Frank’s waist, tangling his fingers in Frank’s locks and clenching his fists. Gerard’s body was on fire, he knows it’s winter and cold outside but he feels as if he’s stood in direct sunlight during a blazing summer.

Gerard nibbles on Frank’s bottom lip, tugging on the thin silver hoop wrapping around his lip. Frank whimpered, rolling his hips up against Gerard gently, but still enough force to evoke a soft moan from him, his breath caught in his throat and he let his head fall against Frank’s shoulder. 

Frank has his hands on Gerard’s hips, holding him in place, whilst digging his nails in slightly. Letting Gerard know who’s in charge.  
Frank can’t stop his hips from rolling, his body is starting to take over, he’s barely causing any friction but fuck, it felt so fucking good, good enough to make Frank cum, and Gerard too. 

They both only had their boxers on, it seemed so little but felt like so much when Frank is so hungry for Gerard.

Frank gripped Gerard’s hips, pulling Gerard from the counter so he was standing, and he couldn’t fucking take it anymore. He needed Gerard, like, yesterday. 

Frank wasted no time in pulling Gerard’s shirt over his head, throwing it to the floor and taking to Gerard’s neck, leaving warm and wet kisses along the soft curve of his neck, Gerard was panting and gripping onto the counter. He was pretty sure he would crumble completely if he let go.

Frank worked his way down Gerard’s chest and torso. He felt Gerard tense up as he reached his stomach. Frank knows that Gerard is still very self-conscious about his body, although he is still very thin. Frank thinks he’s beautiful, and will strive to try and prove it to him at every opportunity. 

Frank hooked his thumbs into the waistband of Gerard’s boxers and pulled them down, finally freeing his cock, and Gerard breathed a quiet sigh of relief. 

Frank was so hungry for Gerard, and he practically fucking growled as he took Gerard’s full length into his mouth.  
Gerard felt his knees go weak as Frank hollowed his cheeks, bobbing his head back and forth, Frank’s mouth feels like fucking heaven around Gerard’s cock and Gerard was sure that he was going to explode. 

Gerard let his head fall back as Frank worked his cock, wrapping his hand around Gerard’s shaft and moving back and forth in time with his mouth. Gerard reached down and tangled his hands in Frank’s hair, clenching his fist as he tried to control the movement in his hips.  
He desperately wanted to fuck Frank’s mouth, but he knew that if he did that then he would cum in no time, and he desperately wished this moment could last forever.

Gerard is sure that Frank’s lack of a gag reflex is a gift from God, because he can feel himself hitting the back of Frank’s throat and it feels fucking incredible. 

Frank pulls back slightly with a harsh gasp, letting his tongue swirl over Gerard’s slit, tasting the bitter taste of pre-cum as it leaked onto his tongue, Gerard was going crazy as he felt the warmth of Frank’s tongue over his most sensitive spot.

Frank stood back up, looking up at his lover with lazy and hungry eyes, he reached his hand up to the side of Gerard’s face and kissed him gently. Frank had so much love and passion for Gerard, and he knew it would never burn out. He knew that he had never felt like this before about anybody, and he knew that this was going to last forever.

Frank broke the kiss, evoking a slight whimper from Gerard, he was so riled up and hot, he was going crazy. Fuck going back to bed, Frank thought, here is fine.

“Turn around.” Frank whispered, leaning up into Gerard’s ear.  
Gerard did what he was told, turning himself around and leaning forward so that he could rest his elbows on the counter top, providing a bit of support since he knew his knees were close to being turned into jelly. 

Frank smirked, trailing his fingertips down Gerard’s spine, causing him to arch into the counter. Frank leaned over, planting soft kisses down the dip of Gerard’s back. Gerard tried his best to control his breathing, but he was failing terribly, all he could do was pant and whimper as his skin reacted to Frank’s kisses.

Frank smirked slightly as he stood back up.

“Wait there.” He instructed, and Gerard turned his head slightly in Frank’s direction, but he didn’t need to ask why, or where he was going, because he already knew.

Frank went through to their bedroom and over to the wardrobe, he crouched in front of it and rummaged through one of the draws, before finding what he needed, closing the drawer and going back through to the kitchen. 

Gerard was leaned over the counter; his whole body was trembling and he was whining. Frank loved this. He loved that he had this kind of control over Gerard, he loved him, so much.

He strolled back over to Gerard, smiling to himself as he rested a hand on Gerard’s hip.

“What do you want, baby?” Frank purred as he leaned in close to Gerard’s ear, Gerard looked up slightly, his face was flush and he could hardly fucking breathe.

“Fuck…I want you, baby. Want you so much.” Gerard panted. Frank chuckled, a low and breathy chuckle that sent ripples through Gerard’s stomach. Frank nodded, he’d made Gerard wait long enough, he thought, and he was also so fucking there.

He stepped back, taking the bottle he’d retrieved earlier from the dresser, popping open the cap and pouring some lube onto his fingers.

He moved his hand down, teasing Gerard’s tight hole. Gerard gasped when he felt the contact, arching his back and pushing back against Frank’s hand. 

Frank bit down on his bottom lip as he slowly slid his finger in and Gerard’s breath caught in his throat as he gasped. Fuck, he’ll never not love this. 

Frank moved his finger in and out, curling his finger slightly before pushing in a second finger. He waited for a few seconds, to give Gerard time to adjust around him, he quickly began scissoring his fingers, making sure to stretch Gerard out, and Gerard was moaning like a fucking whore, he is completely at Frank’s mercy. Frank curled his fingers up quickly and Gerard nearly leapt off the fucking ground.

“Ah! Fuck!” he squealed, Frank had found the sweet spot that will send Gerard totally insane and he smirked to himself, feeling a sense of achievement. 

He continued to move his fingers in the right way and hitting Gerard’s prostate every time. Frank’s cock was throbbing in his underwear, he was so ready. He used his free hand to remove his underwear, before slowly removing his fingers. 

Gerard whined at the absence he felt. Frank grabbed the lube again, pouring some out and slicking it over himself. He bit his lip slightly, he could feel the familiar ripples in the pit of his stomach and he knew that he needed this now, more than ever.

“Fuck, Frank…Need you.” Gerard whined, his whole body was trembling uncontrollably. 

Frank nodded to himself, he slicked the lube over his throbbing cock, before he stepped forward slightly, lining himself up with Gerard and starting to push himself in. 

Gerard let out a moan, so fucking hot, and Frank dug his nails into Gerard’s hips as he felt Gerard’s tight hole wrap around him.

“Fuck, you feel so fucking good.” Frank cursed, his voice had failed him and it came out as a whisper, but that doesn’t matter right now. 

He gave Gerard time to adjust around him before he pulled back, starting at a slow pace and panting uncontrollably. This felt so fucking good and Frank knew already that he was close.

“Baby, please…fuck me harder, please…need you.” Gerard was fucking begging, and it drove Frank crazy, his breath caught in his throat as he picked up his pace, hitting Gerard’s prostate every fucking time. 

Gerard started moving himself, pushing himself back onto Frank’s cock and shit, they were both so fucking close. Frank rolled his hips against Gerard, moaning and letting his head fall back as the pleasure washed over him, he could feel his orgasm brewing and he needed it so much, he needed to cum deep inside Gerard and he needed it, now more than ever before. 

Gerard was close too, and he let go of the counter and reached down to grab his own cock, gripping himself tightly and working his hand up and down in time with Frank’s thrusts, he gave up trying to hold himself up and let himself fall against the counter, he had lost control of his breathing a long time ago and he was panting, so hot and heavy as his orgasm crept ever so closer.

“Frank, fuck…I’m gonna…” he whimpered, trying to give some kind of warning, and Frank barely replied a ‘yeah’ as he moved his hips even faster into Gerard, letting out a desperate cry as he came, buried deep inside of Gerard and he slowed his pace, riding out his orgasm as he felt his whole body shake. Gerard came into his hand, spilling out onto the floor and partially on the cupboard doors. He had to remember to clean that later. 

His body shook beneath Frank, and he whined slightly as Frank pulled himself out. Gerard could do nothing but lay across the counter, trembling and panting in a state of post orgasmic exhaustion.

Frank was exhausted too, but he quickly pulled his boxer shorts up before going through to the bathroom and turning on the shower. He went back over to Gerard, holding his hips and moving him to turn him around. 

Gerard turned, leaning back against the counter. Frank looked up at him lovingly, kissing him passionately with his hands either side of his face. Gerard smiled into the kiss slightly as he felt his knees become a little more stable, and he rested his hands on Frank’s perfectly sculpted hips.  
Frank broke the kiss, taking hold of Gerard’s hands, and leading him towards the bathroom, which was rapidly filling with steam from the shower.

“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.”

 

\--------  
Frank and Gerard lay in each other’s arms, Gerard had his head on Frank’s chest and Frank was running his fingers through Gerard’s damp hair. They were both exhausted, and simply couldn’t face the idea of doing anything exertive today.

“We need to go shopping…we have hardly any food.” Gerard mumbled. He had checked the fridge the night before, sighing to himself when he saw it only contained half a block of cheese and pizza from 3 days ago.

“I know…we will…at some point.” Frank spoke as he lit two cigarettes, handing one to Gerard. He reached over to the bedside table to grab the ashtray and place it between the two of them.

Frank looked down at Gerard, who was staring up at the ceiling with tired eyes. Frank could tell that he was thinking about something. He’d managed to near enough memorize Gerard’s expressions, and he was very rarely wrong.

“What are you thinking about?”

“You.”

“Oh! Well, I am pretty fucking fantastic. I don’t blame you.” Frank joked as he flicked access ash from his cigarette.

“Yeah, you’re an arrogant bastard too,” Gerard smirked to himself. “I was thinking about what would have happened to me if I hadn’t found you.”

Frank felt a little sad when Gerard said that. He didn’t want to think about what would have happened if he hadn’t broken down the door of the motel room, after desperately sprinting there after hearing Gerard’s drunken voicemail.

Frank shook his head at the thought. He never wanted to imagine his life without Gerard. He didn’t know how the future would be, or what would happen, all he knew is that his future was with Gerard, and that’s all he could possibly wish for.


End file.
